Leftover Pasta

Leftover pasta meatsauce pile from my neighbor, and mixed vegetables from me.



Free food equals glory, and this meal was free. I added the vegetation for added flair and it was delicious. If you read my post from 10/4/2011 you know that I hate buying steamed vegetables from any professional food preparation outlet (aka: restaurants, caterers, etc.) because they just taste like water, so I decided to try my hand at the mysterious art of cooking to see if I could do any better. All I did was spray some veggies with water, put them in a bowl with the pasta shitpile, then hit the 2min button on the microwave. You know what happened? They tasted fucking amazing. Thus improving my experience for todays lunch but still leaving me baffled why restaurants can't figure this shit out. The leftovers from my awesome neighbor were good too.

Fun: 1,954.4
Aroma: 1,811.7
Tastiness: 2,021.0
Texture: 1,845.2

This lunch was a double awesome because not only was it free, but I also took part in the cooking process...which has now made my ego inflate to truly extraordinary proportions. I know, I know, I can already hear you apes saying to your apeselves "But all you did was put some vegetables in the microwave! That's not cooking! DURRHUUURRRRPPP!" Well, apes, I looked up the definition of "cook" in the dictionary:

"cook  /kʊk/ Show Spelled[kook] verb (used with object)
1.to prepare (food) by the use of heat, as by boiling, baking, or roasting.
2.to subject (anything) to the application of heat."

Let's focus on number two here: "2.to subject (anything) to the application of heat." Not only does this verify that I literally cooked something, but it also implies that I may be a master chef, and if master chefs were ranked like martial artists I would be considered a sixth degree black-belt. According to this definition one could say I cooked my girlfriends vagina last night, or, after I cooked her vag and she didn't immediately make me a turkey sandwich I swiftly cooked the right side of her face with the backside of my hand. My god I love this cooking stuff...

Meatball Pizza

Slice of meatball pizza.



Anytime that I eat lunch and there is some sort of meat product involved it can be guaranteed that my opinions toward said lunch will be very biased. I love to eat the flesh of innocent animals, and when that flesh is ground up, peppered, then rolled into little balls and placed on top of a pizza it fills me with an almost euphoric sense of utter contentment. This occassion was no different. I got two boners while eating it. Very high scores all around. Nice work, company cafeteria!

Fun: 2,456.09
Aroma: 2,288.7
Tastiness: 2,489.7
Texture: 2,474.1

Combining meatballs with pizza was one of the most revolutionary ideas to come out of the 20th century. It makes me wonder if any of the recorded history that occurred before this creation is even worth remembering at all. Meatball pizza single-handedly brought about world peace and aligned all the religions of the world into understanding and tolerant groups of like-minded individuals, all seeking happiness, brotherhood, and enlightenment. Many of you may be calling me crazy right now, saying how the world is actually in a terrible state of confusion, hatred, and fear. You may be right, but only because you are adding to it by not enjoying your own slice of delicious meatball pizza and changing your outlook on life...

If world leaders would ever enact a national Meatball Pizza Day where no one is required to work, all that citizens had to do was enjoy their fill of delightfully playful meatball pizzas and share a slice of the same with less fortunate individuals in the community, the world would literally turn into a listful utopia of carefree, happy mammals overnight. Don't believe me? I challenge you to go to your nearest pizzeria and eat a slice of this beautiful wonder-food and not skip, clap and sing while doing so. You know it is impossible to even try eating meatball pizza without breaking into song. Admit it, you are humming to yourself right now just by reading about me eating a slice.

Stop sitting on your ass and complaining about everything, you assholes. Go out right now and eat some of this shit. It is amazing. Your happiness will undoubtedly have an affect on the people around you, and their improved demeanor will undoubtedly have an affect on the people around them, and so on and so forth. Start the revolution today. You don't even have to give me credit, all I want is world peace, and I don't think thats too much to ask...

Sofrito Pork Loin

Sofrito pork loin w/ spanish rice and mixed vegetables.



This meal was less than my expectations were expecting. The pork itself was good, the rice was ok and the steamed veggies tasted like water. I'm not sure why profesionally prepared steamed vegetables always lose all their flavor and end up tasting like water but it pisses me off. I do not know the first thing about preparing vegetables (unless they are on a frozen pizza or inside of a chicken pot pie that I am about to put in the oven) but I'm pretty sure I could make them better than this. How hard can it be to make something warm and a little soft while still retaining its savory essence? I guess only the wizards at the local culinary institute know for sure, and they keep that secrect locked up tighter than Obama's real birth certificate.

Fun: 754.1
Aroma: 1,123.2
Tastiness: 1,425.3
Texture: 1,045.4

Summary: Pigs are delicious animals. I really do not need to to say much more than that, but alas, I will. There are many people and jews out there who for various reasons will not eat pork. Some say that pigs are filthy animals and live in their own filth, rappers say they won't eat pigs because pigs are cops, etc, etc. These are all ludacris ideas, I mean does it matter if an animal lives in its own poop for the entirety of its life? It still tastes good, and you are not eating its poo covered hide, you are eating its tasty interior which its hide was protecting from the doodoo. Or, If a pig could somehow freakishly straighten its posture and begin walking upright, and then put itself through highschool, get a diploma, get a part-time job and enroll in community college, graduate with an associates degree in criminal justice, enroll in and successfully complete police academy, and finally get a job as a police officer to protect and serve the public...I wouldn't want to eat him either! That pig should be considered a national treasure! Hell, I'd even vote for him for county sheriff if he were to run for the position. So I must digress, the rappers were right. I would not eat a pig if the pig was a cop.

Chilli w/ Crackers

Chilli w/ crackers.



Boring lunch, you say? So be it. There were plenty of delicious looking options but sometimes you just want to keep it simple. I don't care what anyone says; chilli is the bomb and I could eat it almost daily. This particular bowl full of delight was unremarkable in the sense that there was nothing particularly unique about it. It consisted of ground beef, beans, peppers, tomatoes, and chilli powder, and nothing fancy or gourmet like kobe fillet mignon, or stewed turkey chunklet doodoo. Just plain chilli with crackers, and a crisp refreshing Pepsi Cola. Mmmmmmmm.

Fun: 456.7
Aroma: 1,789.8
Tastiness: 2,100.1
Texture: 1,454.4

Summary: Chilli is an American staple during the brisk fall months and today I was feeling like a patriot so I filled my cup, saluted the american flag, and headed to my glamorous cubicle to engage in a thorough review. There is nothing better in the fall when the temperatures are falling than some hearty chilli making your nose run from its spicey goodness. So what if I live in Arizona and the temps are still scraping on the 100's? If you live in a locale with a cooler climate and are only a few short months away from snow-covered icy highway disasters don't judge me for my superior choice of biome to call home. Today's cubicle lunch was delicious, though the fun factor was a bit low. Perhaps I could enhance the fun factor of this post by uploading a picture of the aftermath of this lunch later tonight when I violently donate its remains to the Maricopa County Water & Waste Management Division...

Turkey and Black Bean Enchiladas

Turkey and Black Bean Enchiladas w/ spanish rice, green beans, and corn.



Turkey enchiladas? Every Thanksgiving I shove more turkey through my bowel tracts than an NFL defensive line so I know damn well what turkey looks and tastes like. Whatever was inside of these enchiladas looked exactly like what you would find inside of any mexican food dish: delicious, scrumpcious beef, but The lady said it was turkey and I was too sleepy from a hangover to argue so whatever, let's eat healthy. When eating mexican food I sometimes go into a mindless trance and blackout for short periods until the meal is done. This time was no different. When I came back to my senses the food was gone, my shirt looked like I had used it for a diaper, and I was bleeding out of my ear. I consider a lunch like that a victory every time. I hope I didn't harm any of my co-workers in the process.

Score:
Fun: 1,735.9
Aroma: 872.2
Tastiness: 2,212.6
Texture: 1,007.7


Summary: I'm just trying to watch my figure. Ya, right. It's never been hard to go into a bar, dump a few drinks down some girl, and then get her home with you for a few hours (or minutes) of drunken sexual revelry, however, by eating healthy and watching your figure you can usually increase the visual/aesthetic quality of the girl you get. Sure there are fat dudes and ugly dudes out there who can still pull some pretty amazing tail from time to time, but by keeping a slimish waistline a regular fella can get the same girl for a fraction of the effort. Hell, no effort at all really, and that was where my head was at with today's lunch.

Everyone knows turkey is healthy or something, I think, I don't know shit about it except that it makes you fall into a drooly coma after eating it. Aparently healthy people eat it because it is low in fat and cholesterol. I have no clue. Though after eating it I did feel slightly more self righteous, and almost took a walk to the restroom just so I could stare at my sexy, healthy ass in the mirror for a while. Later, when I went to the breakroom to get a drink I passed three female co-workers and I'm almost positive I heard all of them whisper to themselves: "That motherfucker looks like he knows how to eat a healthy and well balanced lunch. I Should find out where he goes for happy hour, get there early, start doing shots so I drown all my pathetic female inhibitions about being a slut, and then let him take me home and have sex with me in all sorts of strange and disturbing positions throughout his dirty, musty apartment." I know ladies. I am a sexy, selfish, conceited, arrogant bastard, and I eat turkey and green things. Come get some.

Beef Burgandy

Beef Burgandy w/ zucchini and a squash thing.



This shit was glorious. I am a man and I like my beef. This delight had big chunks of cow smothered in some sort of gravy-sauce with carrots and green stuff, and a big ass chunk of some sort of squash. I don't know or give a shit what beef burgandy is (unless it is actually made from the beef of Ron Burgandy) but it was a true joy putting it inside of me. I punched this meal down my face with more tenacity than a Vietnamese hooker throating a platoon of US servicemen for money to feed her starving children and grandmother. I think I even started crying while I was eating it.

Score:
Fun: 1,344.0
Aroma: 1,114.8
Tastiness: 2,078.4
Texture: 2,142.3

Summary: I don't know if squash is a natural laxative but within the 10 minutes it has taken me to post this I could physically feel the entire meal slide from my stomach, to my small intestine, to my colon. I am honored by this kind of reaction from food. It is sort of like when you visit a park or go camping: Leave everything the same as you found it, and leave no trace that you were there. I can assure you that when I hit the bathroom there will be no trace of this meal left inside of me...it will be painting the inside of the bowl up to and including the underside of the rim.

My New Blog

This is a blog I decided to make while I was bored at work. Herein I shall do my best to document every meal that I eat from within the confines of my cubicle. I will also be scoring each meal using the FATT (Fun, Aroma, Tastiness, and Texture) framework which I have created specifically for this blog. FATT rates each meal using a precise 1 - 2,500 point system followed by a brief summary of my overall experience and thoughts during the consumption process.

If you have any questions or would like to know more about a specific meal please write your concerns in the comments and I will do my best to address them.