Thursday, September 29, 2011

Turkey and Black Bean Enchiladas

Turkey and Black Bean Enchiladas w/ spanish rice, green beans, and corn.



Turkey enchiladas? Every Thanksgiving I shove more turkey through my bowel tracts than an NFL defensive line so I know damn well what turkey looks and tastes like. Whatever was inside of these enchiladas looked exactly like what you would find inside of any mexican food dish: delicious, scrumpcious beef, but The lady said it was turkey and I was too sleepy from a hangover to argue so whatever, let's eat healthy. When eating mexican food I sometimes go into a mindless trance and blackout for short periods until the meal is done. This time was no different. When I came back to my senses the food was gone, my shirt looked like I had used it for a diaper, and I was bleeding out of my ear. I consider a lunch like that a victory every time. I hope I didn't harm any of my co-workers in the process.

Score:
Fun: 1,735.9
Aroma: 872.2
Tastiness: 2,212.6
Texture: 1,007.7


Summary: I'm just trying to watch my figure. Ya, right. It's never been hard to go into a bar, dump a few drinks down some girl, and then get her home with you for a few hours (or minutes) of drunken sexual revelry, however, by eating healthy and watching your figure you can usually increase the visual/aesthetic quality of the girl you get. Sure there are fat dudes and ugly dudes out there who can still pull some pretty amazing tail from time to time, but by keeping a slimish waistline a regular fella can get the same girl for a fraction of the effort. Hell, no effort at all really, and that was where my head was at with today's lunch.

Everyone knows turkey is healthy or something, I think, I don't know shit about it except that it makes you fall into a drooly coma after eating it. Aparently healthy people eat it because it is low in fat and cholesterol. I have no clue. Though after eating it I did feel slightly more self righteous, and almost took a walk to the restroom just so I could stare at my sexy, healthy ass in the mirror for a while. Later, when I went to the breakroom to get a drink I passed three female co-workers and I'm almost positive I heard all of them whisper to themselves: "That motherfucker looks like he knows how to eat a healthy and well balanced lunch. I Should find out where he goes for happy hour, get there early, start doing shots so I drown all my pathetic female inhibitions about being a slut, and then let him take me home and have sex with me in all sorts of strange and disturbing positions throughout his dirty, musty apartment." I know ladies. I am a sexy, selfish, conceited, arrogant bastard, and I eat turkey and green things. Come get some.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Beef Burgandy

Beef Burgandy w/ zucchini and a squash thing.



This shit was glorious. I am a man and I like my beef. This delight had big chunks of cow smothered in some sort of gravy-sauce with carrots and green stuff, and a big ass chunk of some sort of squash. I don't know or give a shit what beef burgandy is (unless it is actually made from the beef of Ron Burgandy) but it was a true joy putting it inside of me. I punched this meal down my face with more tenacity than a Vietnamese hooker throating a platoon of US servicemen for money to feed her starving children and grandmother. I think I even started crying while I was eating it.

Score:
Fun: 1,344.0
Aroma: 1,114.8
Tastiness: 2,078.4
Texture: 2,142.3

Summary: I don't know if squash is a natural laxative but within the 10 minutes it has taken me to post this I could physically feel the entire meal slide from my stomach, to my small intestine, to my colon. I am honored by this kind of reaction from food. It is sort of like when you visit a park or go camping: Leave everything the same as you found it, and leave no trace that you were there. I can assure you that when I hit the bathroom there will be no trace of this meal left inside of me...it will be painting the inside of the bowl up to and including the underside of the rim.

My New Blog

This is a blog I decided to make while I was bored at work. Herein I shall do my best to document every meal that I eat from within the confines of my cubicle. I will also be scoring each meal using the FATT (Fun, Aroma, Tastiness, and Texture) framework which I have created specifically for this blog. FATT rates each meal using a precise 1 - 2,500 point system followed by a brief summary of my overall experience and thoughts during the consumption process.

If you have any questions or would like to know more about a specific meal please write your concerns in the comments and I will do my best to address them.