Sausage, Eggs, and Hashbrowns

Breakfast, the most important meal of the the day. Have you ever seen a more delightful stack of things to put in your face so that your body can turn it into a slurry in your intestines in order for the nutrients to be easily absorbed into the body as energy, while the remainder is extracted of leftover vital moisture and compacted into a form of solid biological waste that resides in your colon until it can be expunged at a later time while you play Plants vs. Zombies on your phone? Well, maybe. Some biscuits and gravy would have been nice, or perhaps a bacon strip or thrice.

Breakfast is important because it can set your demeanor for the rest of the day. Let's dig deeper into this phenomenon by first dissecting the word "breakfast" itself: break-fast. Breakfast literally means to break your fast. If you do not know what fasting is, it means you are willfully abstaining from eating (If you do not know what abstaining means, please learn to internet, seriously, asshole). In this case our willful abstinence is sleep. If you do not sleep then you technically are not having breakfast, you are having 2nd dinner or some weird shit like that. By breaking our sleep-fast by eating we are letting our bodies know that everything is OK and food is abundant. Without breakfast our internal processing can remain in a pseudo state of conservation which is a survival mechanism to conserve energy in case we are unable to eat or find food. So do your body a favor and let it know it is not going to starve.

Once you have broken fast and your body goes out of survival mode the best thing to do is start drinking copious amounts of alcohol. That's right, get drunk. Why? That's a dumb question. In that case, why anything? After breakfast the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is drink, the reason is because I assume that your life is terribly dull and purposeless, thus you are doing yourself the highest kind of favor by using chemicals to make you forget your sad life. Drunken stupors tend to lead the body to shut down and sleep, inevitably you should wake up and then do you know what time it is again? Thats right, motherfucker: BREAKFAST TIME! It is a perfect circle. Don't question it. This formula that I have given you is similar to The Golden Ratio, or Pi, or the 23 enigma. I am your new Prometheus. You are welcome, human race.

Fun -1,489.7
Aroma - 2,178.6
Tastiness - 2,333.5
Texture -1,454.4

Sausage, eggs, and hashbrowns are a foolproof meal. These ingredients combined are a fucking unequaled delight among the pleasures of mankind. The "fun" and "texture" factors are average because a good breakfast will not deviate far from the three primary ingredients. AT MOST a person could add bacon. These ingredients are the core, everything else is secondary, tertiary, or worse. Don't even bring up pancakes. Fuck you if you even thought pancakes belong in the core. Waffles too. Bagles most of all. Grow up and start living a normal life you disgusting degenerates.

I eat breakfast with sharks. If you want to get ahead in this life you need to be a shark, you need to be a bloodthirsty savage. I suggest you get a similar Breakfast Caddy of your own if you ever plan on getting ahead in this life...