With the kinds of meals offered in the cafeteria where I work it is nearly impossible to have a productive afternoon. The main course is always something that will sit heavy in your stomach, force you to immediately and aggresively fall asleep at your desk, and then wake up with a bowel vibration that can only mean the end is nigh for you and everyone around you if you dont find a restroom asap. Don't misunderstand me, these meals are delicious 75% of the time, but all that flavor comes with a price...
Food coma. Everyone who has ever worked in a cubicle knows what I'm talking about, and we all have developed sleeping positions in our chairs that we think will deceive passerbys. There is the "one hand on chin other hand on mouse" position. There is the "leaning forward staring directly downword at the bar graph report, hand on mouse" position. And let's not for get the ridiculous "slouching back, head dipped heavily forward with hand on mouse" position. You see the common theme here? If your hand is on your mouse it should be obvious to anyone that walks by that your are working diligently trying to improve your customer service and quality scores. Is that a massive drool puddle I see forming on Tom's desk? Fuck it, his hand is on his mouse, he must be working his ass off getting those Q3 profit sharing estimates together. Why is Julie breathing so heavily and why is her face only two inches from her keyboard? I don't give a fuck. All I know is that she has her hand on her mouse and she is probably killing those Vendor status requests we need to have done by 3:30. Just the other day I walked past Antonio and he was leaning back in his chair, face pointed directly at the ceiling and eyes closed, snot bubble softly radiating out of his nose and a drool stream steadily flowing out of his mouth into his collar. Did I think he was slacking off on the job? Jesus Christ no! His hand was on his mouse for crying out loud! He was probably just meditating on the profitability projecions the Goldfield account will bring in over the next five years. These are hard working people!
Fun: 1,234.5
Aroma: 1,234.5
Tastiness: 1,234.5
Texture: 1,234.5
The FATT system of scoring lunchtime food-fair is very complex and has many intricacies that most humans would not understand even if they took a two semester collegiate course on it. For example, many of you may be wondering why today's meal received the lowest score to-date of all the meals featured on this blog? It's all in the symmetry, baby. Yes, high scores traditionally reflect excellent meals and low scores represent a sub par experience, however, this peppered beef demanded something more.
The beef was actually tender, juicy, think cuts of black angus. Every moist bite demanding more praise than the last. The sauce was of a perfect consistancy with just the right amount of pepper and brown stuff to make it amaZING. Yes, it had zing, bitches. The fried rice was so good it made me stop hating asian drivers altogether. The vegetables added color and flair, while also making me feel like I was doing my part to eat healthy everyday. All of these characteristics came together in a swan song of delightful taste bud erotica that I can only interpereted as the food version of "50 Shades of Grey". So, what does the score of 1,234.5 mean? Fuck if I know, but it must mean something awesome. Don't believe me? Read this review to your tongue and see if it gets goose-bumps. Ya, I know. Deal with it.
