Friday, May 16, 2014

Fruit Cup

Friday fruit cup day was a fucking unparalleled adventure this morning. Mario threw on his pink dirt bikin' sweater and I threw on some jams by Shakey Graves, the next thing we knew I somehow got drunk and he somehow got laid by a decent looking mexican chick who was hanging out by Home Depot. Awesome, right?

Now, a moment ago when I said I got drunk what I meant was that I didn't get drunk. That was a complete lie. I work in a large office building and that behavior is frowned upon, so instead I chugged a coffee and took myself to an even worse mental condition than being drunk: Coffee Cracked Brain. Once I get a morning joe in me I become Bradly Cooper in Limitless. The terrible thing is that all the focus is wasted on redundant processing tasks and not the true genius that I have to offer this world. On a lighter note, Mario actually did rail a mexican chick he found at Home Depot. Gotta focus on the positives in life.


Fruit Cup Friday is usually the pre-cursor to another weekly event in my life I like to call Wacky Self-Destruction Weekend Time. If you are not familiar with one of these it is a pretty simple concept: Either drink yourself into pit of despair that will linger until Monday, or play video games non-stop for 72 hours. Both activities, though enjoyable in moderation, are taken to the maximum limits that my body will allow which is exhausting...thus Fruit Cup Friday was born out of necessity in order to be fully fueled and lubed for the approaching madness.

F - 1,984.1
A - 652.4
T - 1,975.1
T - 1,244.1


Who doesn't like a good fruit cup? Nobody. Well, maybe one person, there is always an exception.


Thursday, May 8, 2014

Sausage, Eggs, and Hashbrowns

Breakfast, the most important meal of the the day. Have you ever seen a more delightful stack of things to put in your face so that your body can turn it into a slurry in your intestines in order for the nutrients to be easily absorbed into the body as energy, while the remainder is extracted of leftover vital moisture and compacted into a form of solid biological waste that resides in your colon until it can be expunged at a later time while you play Plants vs. Zombies on your phone? Well, maybe. Some biscuits and gravy would have been nice, or perhaps a bacon strip or thrice.

Breakfast is important because it can set your demeanor for the rest of the day. Let's dig deeper into this phenomenon by first dissecting the word "breakfast" itself: break-fast. Breakfast literally means to break your fast. If you do not know what fasting is, it means you are willfully abstaining from eating (If you do not know what abstaining means, please learn to internet, seriously, asshole). In this case our willful abstinence is sleep. If you do not sleep then you technically are not having breakfast, you are having 2nd dinner or some weird shit like that. By breaking our sleep-fast by eating we are letting our bodies know that everything is OK and food is abundant. Without breakfast our internal processing can remain in a pseudo state of conservation which is a survival mechanism to conserve energy in case we are unable to eat or find food. So do your body a favor and let it know it is not going to starve.

Once you have broken fast and your body goes out of survival mode the best thing to do is start drinking copious amounts of alcohol. That's right, get drunk. Why? That's a dumb question. In that case, why anything? After breakfast the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is drink, the reason is because I assume that your life is terribly dull and purposeless, thus you are doing yourself the highest kind of favor by using chemicals to make you forget your sad life. Drunken stupors tend to lead the body to shut down and sleep, inevitably you should wake up and then do you know what time it is again? Thats right, motherfucker: BREAKFAST TIME! It is a perfect circle. Don't question it. This formula that I have given you is similar to The Golden Ratio, or Pi, or the 23 enigma. I am your new Prometheus. You are welcome, human race.



Fun -1,489.7
Aroma - 2,178.6
Tastiness - 2,333.5
Texture -1,454.4

Sausage, eggs, and hashbrowns are a foolproof meal. These ingredients combined are a fucking unequaled delight among the pleasures of mankind. The "fun" and "texture" factors are average because a good breakfast will not deviate far from the three primary ingredients. AT MOST a person could add bacon. These ingredients are the core, everything else is secondary, tertiary, or worse. Don't even bring up pancakes. Fuck you if you even thought pancakes belong in the core. Waffles too. Bagles most of all. Grow up and start living a normal life you disgusting degenerates.

I eat breakfast with sharks. If you want to get ahead in this life you need to be a shark, you need to be a bloodthirsty savage. I suggest you get a similar Breakfast Caddy of your own if you ever plan on getting ahead in this life...


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Hard Boiled Eggs and Coffee

When striving to reach peak physical condition it is of utmost importance to eat a well balanced, yet lean and wholesome breakfast. In my case this equates to two hard boiled eggs and a cup of coffee, served by the rage-filled soul of the wolverine.

If anyone on this planet understands the value of starting out your day with a routine bland breakfast it is the goddamn wolverine. The only difference betwixt myself and him is that he tends to eat his eggs unboiled and instead of brewing a pot of coffee he eats two handfuls of roughly ground coffee beans. If you you were thinking he just reached his hands into a bag of pre-ground Dunkin' Donuts brand coffee you would be wrong. Being the proud owner of a skeleton bonded with nigh indestructible adamantium alloy and foot long claws composed of the same, you can bet your ass that he grinds his own coffee beans with said claws. Have you ever used a Slap Chop? Well, he uses a similar method, only it is more of a punch chop. He is so angry.

Other than that we are the same. Wait, I forgot, he also eats the eggs with the shell still on. He just throws the whole fucking egg in his mouth and then howls at the morning sun while blood spills from his shredded gums. What a maniac. He is the father I always wished I could have had.





Fun - 2,500.0
Aroma - 952.8
Tastiness - 715.4
Texture -715.4

This breakfast was a bit of a paradox in that it received the first ever perfect "fun" score of 2,500.0, yet it received the lowest scores to date in the remaining categories. The fun levels were off the charts, obviously, due to the attendance of James "Logan" Howlett (Aka - Wolverine, Aka - Father). We had so much fun together! He wallowed in self pity and anguish, while I rambled on and on about how his standalone movies were the only good comic book movies because all the other "super heroes" are usually whiny bitches. Not you, Wolverine. Loneliness is your endorphin and rage is your solace.

Aside from my breakfast partner the breakfast itself was quite blah. What were you expecting, a witty write up about the virtues of a simple breakfast and the humbleness afforded those who live a life of little means? Fuck that. I'm poor. This is a poor man's breakfast. It's a good thing Wolverine showed up, he saved my whole goddamn morning.

Did I mention that I wore my wolverine costume while I wrote this?